Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Restless and Unsettled

restless (adjective) unable to rest or relax as a result of anxiety or boredom.
unsettle (verb) cause to feel anxious or uneasy; disturb. - derivative: unsettled (adjective)

This is how I feel - restless and unsettled. Anxious? Yes. Bored? Yes. Disturbed??? Stop Laughing!

I am not unhappy right now, but I would not class myself as happy either. I just want to be doing other things than I am doing. All the way around.

Take work... no really, take work. Seriously, after a year and a half of the new regime things are not better. I really don't anticipate them improving. I love what I do. I am an OR nurse; that is who I am. I really like doing surgeries, working with the surgeons, taking care of one patient at a time. I don't care if it is bloody or not - if it is surgery, I want to be there.  

BUT then comes the restless and unsettled side of me. I am ready to NOT work. I would like to stay home for a while. I am tired of the politics. (You had better believe there are politics or at the very least an "us" and "them" atmosphere - and I am in the "them" category!) I am tired of being "on call" and "late days". I am tired of training new people. Ooooooo. Yes, I said it. And I am training one of the sweetest and I might add brightest new nurses right now. I really like her and she is not hard to train, but I have done it for so long. I am tired of it. When I finish with her training, I am seriously going to tell them no more... not for a while.

I love my home. I helped draw up the plans and watched it almost every day for changes while they were building it. It is not too big and certainly not too small - it is "just right". I have great neighbors and one of my best friends is just a few steps away from me. It is close to my work and close to church. I have a big back yard and trees.

BUT I am ready to put a "FOR SALE" sign in my yard. I have been looking at house plans for months! I want to move to the farm, in Clyde, and build my farm house (not in that order). I want to go back to a mostly one story house - a farm house. I want a wrap around porch, and a sun porch. I want a pond and a little white fence. I want to build a little chapel out there too! It will be green with yellow and white accents. I want stone and shingles (on the house) and a metal roof. I want a barn. I want to be close enough to walk over to see my mom and dad. I want to be able to get on the 4-wheeler and take Doug a sandwich while he is out shredding the fields.

There are other things that make me feel unsettled, but most of them are really another story that I am not ready to tell yet. Most of the other feelings are about not being the "one in charge" or about me having a "lack of control" over life situations.

Don't worry about me. I am not having a mid-life crisis. I am just ready for some change, but it isn't quite time for those changes yet. They are getting closer though...

I love my family. I miss Nichole, Paul, Ally and Parker.  They are close, but busy. You know how it is. But Spring Break is coming... soon... YEA!!! 

Well, I better go. I am hungry and maybe, if I eat fast... I can change my bedroom furniture around tonight:)

No comments: